I can see (kind of) clearly now.

The first three months postpartum has been unlike any other time in my life thus far, and I'm sure every mom can agree that it's pretty indescribable. The best I can do is to say that it's sort of like trying to navigate through the woods at night in a thick fog while wearing beer goggles, hopping on one foot, and mumbling incoherencies to those you happen to pass by along the way only to have them shake their heads at you in utter disgust because your clothes are dirty, your hair is disheveled, and your armpits reek. One of the books I read describes the three months after birth as the "fourth trimester," a time of adjustment for both mom and baby to this new life. Whatever it is, I can officially say that I've lived every millisecond of the past three months for better or for worse. Now that Calvin is a little over three months old, I'm starting to feel like I'm coming out of the fog a bit. I feel better about going out in public with him, breastfeeding has gotten - dare I say - easier, and I know what to do if he gets fussy. I've learned a lot about both myself and my baby during this time, and it feels good to know that trusting my instincts thus far hasn't let me down.

This past week, I decided that it was about time to make a plan for the rest of my year off that doesn't include sitting inside this house day after day just because it's cold outside. The first activity on my agenda was to try a Mommy & Me yoga class at Yo Mama yoga studio. I did so much prenatal yoga through pregnancy and loved it, so I knew it'd feel good to jump back into practice. It was great to be around other mamas and their little ones and to move my body again. I told the instructor that I felt out of shape, and she had such a wonderful response: "Your body is in exactly the shape it should be for where you are and what you just went through." I think we tend to forget how freakin' amazing a woman's body and childbirth actually are. Maybe it's her job to make us feel good about our postpartum flab, but I'm going with it.

After an awesome yoga class, I stopped by Whole Foods for coffee and lunch. Calvin slept in his car seat, and I got to eat an amazing quinoa, lentil, kale, and buffalo meatball burrito (doesn't sound good, but let me assure you - AMAZING - OK, OK, and SO Boulder) and sip on a latte. I told the barista that I had just come from a Mommy & Me class, and she looked at me in awe. "Weren't you so nervous?" she asked.

I nodded emphatically. Yes, I was nervous! What if my baby gets fussy? What will the other moms think about me? Will my body be able to handle yoga? What if I have to nurse in public?

"Weren't you so nervous that you'd drop him?"

"Um, yeahhh..." NO! No, I was not nervous that I'd DROP him! I may not have it all figured out, but I think I can manage to keep a good grip on my child during tree pose. God bless her for being concerned, but I almost bubbled over. If she only knew the real worries of a new mom.

I have to say, I LOVE where Calvin is now. He is such a sweet kid and so much fun to be around. His eyes are so bright, and I love how his little face lights up with pure joy when he sees me for the first time in the morning or after a nap. I feel like I'm finally savoring the moments with him because I'm feeling more confident and comfortable with being a mom. Still a bit disheveled and smelly at times, but that's to be expected.

New Year's Resolution Take One

One of my New Year's resolutions is to be more creative, so I busted out the camera the other day and took some pictures of Loozle. It was pretty fun to get in that creative zone again. It's been awhile. Here are some results of my first attempt at taking and editing photos.

Venting.

I feel like a giant boob. That's all. Good night.

Snow man.

A new perspective.

After one day of trying Babywise, I'm throwing it out the window...at least for now. I have realized several things. 1. Calvin is WAY too young to be left to cry it out. It just doesn't feel right to me, and I'm going with that gut feeling because that's all I know to be true in this moment. 2. There are so many books that claim to have the best sleep methods. All contradict one another. I'm bound to be following one of them, anyway. 3. Right now the most important thing is that Calvin is nourished and loved. Rest and naps will come with time. And, he's a pretty awesome night sleeper, so we've got that going for us. Which brings me to 4. We are really lucky overall. He's an amazing kid and goes to sleep at 7p.m. to give Angus and me the night together as a couple. It's nice because it's easy to forget, in the midst of all this crazy, that we are still a couple. 5. Every couple of days I start freaking out about something - usually because of a comment from a friend, a website, or a book. I spiral about it for a day and come up with some sort of elaborate plan. Then, I become so stressed that I get a headache and am driven to have a drink at 5p.m. The next day, I wake up completely renewed and realize how ridiculous I was the day before. I always come back to the same answer, "Let's do what works for us and Calvin," and more often than not, it was just what we were doing before I started freaking out. 6. It is SO necessary to get out of the house at least once every day. 7. I have an amazing husband who is very tolerant of me distracting him from his work. 8. I am really hard on myself. 9. I need to chill out and just enjoy my baby and who he is today. 10. I am doing the best I know how, and gosh darn it, I'm a good mom.

Lights out.

With parenting it's nice that there's always a tomorrow considering today I was almost driven to drink an alcoholic beverage at 2p.m. (but waited until 5). When you're prone to over-thinking things, parenting decisions can be a real headache. Over the past few days we've been trying to get Calvin to take better naps because he won't nap, then he'll fall asleep while eating and wake up fussy because he's not well rested. This whole thing has led to countless hours of me analyzing the crap out of every sound, facial expression, twitch, and breath the poor kid takes. I could sit here for hours deliberating whether or not I made the right call on something so ridiculously unimportant in the grand scheme of things. While I know this, it doesn't change the fact that I worry incessantly about doing what's best for my baby. Isn't that only natural?

So, we were given this book called Babywise which helps you "train" your baby to fall asleep independently. This involves some crying in the beginning stages since the baby is probably used to being rocked, jiggled, or bounced to sleep. We decided to give it a whirl for the naptimes since before this we've just been kind of letting him fall asleep where ever, whenever and he isn't getting good rest during the day. If he was getting good rest, then I don't give a hoot where or when he sleeps, but he's not, so we decided to try some other methods. Anyway, the book warns you that the first few days will totally suck because you'll be listening to your poor child cry and won't be able to go rock, jiggle, or bounce him.

But, it doesn't just suck, it SUUUUUCCCCKKKKKSSSSS.

I sit on the edge of the sofa with the monitor in a death grip praying that my baby will fall asleep and not totally hate his mother when he wakes up. Finally, for his third nap today, he fell asleep after a short amount of time crying. Yes! Score! Then, the damn sleep sounds sheep went off and woke him out of his slumber into a frightful screaming session. Tangent here. Why the hell do they make the sleep sounds sheep with a timer that only lasts 45 minutes?! By the time he was done crying and fell asleep, he only got a 20 minute nap in before he was practically jolted out of his swaddle. At the very least the sleep sounds should taper off instead of shutting off abruptly. A pissed off Angus came up with the most brilliant idea EVER - tape the button down on the sheep so it never shuts off. HA! We showed you, sheep! Needless to say, taped button and all, Calvin never did fall back to sleep for that nap.

Yes, there's always a tomorrow. But tomorrow will I be able to listen to him cry again? Will I be able to hold back running to his rescue? I don't know. I do know that I could not possibly love this child any more than I already do. For his final nap of the day, he passed out in his favorite spot - on my shoulder right after eating. Babywise went down the tubes for today, I guess. Overall, I am sure that there will be so many more times that I question my decisions, but in the end, aren't we all just doing the best we can in any given moment? And Calvin is going to turn out fine...just fine, nap or no nap. Sometimes it just takes a pale ale at 5:00 and a little snuggling to realize that it will all be OK. ;)

So in love.

Aunt Katy

Uncle Mike

Ama and Agong

Poppy

Grandmom...or as some like to say, Moppy