Brunch date.

Break out the bibs!

Making it okay.

"The mind is constantly trying to give you advice about how to make it all okay. That is why the mind is so active; you gave it an impossible task to do." - Michael Singer, The Untethered Soul

These past few months have been some of the most physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually challenging for me and for my family. Not only must we deal with my dad's diagnosis of cancer and the road to recovery, we must also let go of who we once were and the life we once had. While life has changed a lot for my sister and me, it has changed drastically for my parents. I can't even begin to imagine what my mom is going through right now as she supports my dad every day of his journey to fight cancer. Even more so, I can't imagine what my dad is going through having to be the one to endure the stress of this situation day in and day out. In general, people say things like "think positive" and "have hope," and while I think these things are indeed of the utmost importance, I have to bite my tongue at times so as to not bite their heads off. "Have you seen my dad? Have you sat in that dialysis chair next to him? Have you felt this kind of pain before?" I want to scream, "You asshole! It isn't that simple! You have no f'ing idea!" Woah, wait a minute, Keri. You'd give the same advice to someone else! What was that reaction? It's definitely a knee jerk reaction to feel defensive of my dad, but I realize that it's not my anger at this person and his or her (actually very good) advice, it's my anger at being thrown into an uncontrollable situation. I want more than anything in the world to make it all okay, but I can't. And that downright sucks.

When going through a crisis like this, I've determined that you can have a million people around you, but you can still feel alone. Our extended family and friends have been so thoughtful and supportive, but we're left still feeling empty. Why is that? I think it's because we think that if someone could really understand what we're going through, it would all be okay. Plain and simple, they'd GET IT. But why is that even important? Why would we ever want someone to know this kind of pain? We think if someone "gets it" it will be closer to feeling okay for us, but that is just false. Everyone has been through their share of heartache, and everyone deals with it differently. To a certain extent, everyone "gets it" because they've been through some sort of enormous challenge in their own lives. Ultimately, friends and family just being there for us is what matters most. Many of my best girlfriends have actually dealt with seeing a parent battle an illness, and I can't say enough for how loving and supportive they and others have been to me as I support my dad. What I seek from my friends is just a loving heart which I know they all possess. While they can't make the situation okay, they have helped me be okay in more ways than they'll ever know, and for that, I am truly blessed.

What I've learned is that we can't expect ourselves or anyone else to be able to make situations like these okay. We find ourselves grasping for straws when life feels like it's spinning out of control. I think if we come to a point where we let go of the need to control, we will feel a bit more peaceful at least. We look inward to let go of the desire to make it all okay because it is wasted energy and an impossible feat.

While I cannot control this situation, I can control how I react and what I choose to believe. A friend wrote to me, "Being mindful doesn't mean things are less bad but that you are more capable of dealing with them." I think this is so true. I know my dad will overcome this. He is so incredibly strong and inspiring. Words can't describe the pride I feel when I think of how hard he is fighting every day. What people may not see from the outside is that he is thinking positively, and he does have hope - this is what keeps him going even on the toughest of days. What is happening is out of my control, and I will work to be at peace with that. I can't make this go away. I can't make it all okay. But what I can do is be there for my dad, love him with all of my heart, and fight with him, so that's just what I'll continue to do.

Morning with Mama.

Wannabe pasta.

I have this favorite pasta dish I order from Arugula in Boulder. It's chicken and zucchini with penne, and it's to die for. Tonight, I attempted to recreate the dish adding a little of my own flare. It turned out pretty well for a first attempt. Next time, I might add a bit of butter or some sage to make the pasta richer. In this version, I used olive oil to make it a bit healthier than the restaurant dish.

Ingredients:

1 package of your favorite pasta (I used whole wheat spaghetti because it's what we had on hand.)

Salted, boiling water

Extra virgin olive oil

2 medium sized shallots, diced

1 clove garlic, diced

2 zucchinis, cut into 1/2 inch wedges

1 cup of snap (or snow) peas, julienned

1 cup butternut squash or yams, cut into 1/2 inch cubes

1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese and some for garnish

3 sprigs of basil, julienned

Salt and pepper to taste

Put a pot of salted water on the stove to boil. Once boiling, add pasta. When the pasta is finished, drain in a colander and then return the pasta to the hot pot. Add about 2 tablespoons of olive oil to the pasta and mix well. Add the 1/2 cut of freshly grated Parmesan cheese to the pasta and mix once more. Set aside.

While water is coming to a boil and the pasta is cooking, prep your veggies. Add about 2 tablespoons of olive oil to a large-sized skillet, and allow the pan to heat. Add butternut squash cubes to pan in a single layer. With heat on medium-high, cover the pan, and allow the squash to steam for about 4-5 minutes. Check squash. It should be toasted on the bottom and soft to pierce with a toothpick. Allow squash to cook another 2 minutes uncovered or until done. Salt and pepper to taste, and set aside in a small bowl.

Add 2 tablespoons of olive oil to the same skillet once the squash is removed. Put the pan back over the heat, and add the chopped shallots and garlic. Cook the shallots and garlic over medium-low heat until translucent then add the zucchini to the pan. Cook the zucchini for about 3 minutes or until done. Do not overcook - zucchini should be firm but juicy. Add the julienned snap peas to the pan, and cook for about 2 minutes.

Next, dump the pasta into the pan with the shallot, garlic, zucchini, and snap peas. Mix well over low heat. Add the butternut squash cubes to the mixture and then turn off the heat. Add the julienned basil to the pan, and mix once more. Salt and pepper to taste. Serve with extra Parmesan for garnish. Viola!

Serves 4.

Happy teething baby.

Shall I have a brownie or an orange for dessert?