Tuesday, May 21, 2013

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to.

Today is my birthday, and I didn't realize it until 6:00 a.m. when I was snapping at Angus to adjust the pillow behind my back so I could comfortably nurse my 5-week-old son.  "Happy birthday," my groggy husband said with a kiss.  Then he rolled back over and fell into a deep sleep.  

HA!  No way.  Rather, he closed his eyes savoring his last minute of quiet before I asked him to swaddle and bounce Kyle back to sleep so I could close my eyes and savor my last minute of quiet before hauling my butt out of bed to start the day on five hours of sleep.  Meanwhile, Calvin started chirping in the monitor next to my ear.  "A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" he sang to his stuffed animals.  At least this morning didn't start out like many others with Puppet and Llama in time-out, which then causes me to lay awake questioning our disciplinary tactics.

Anyway, so that was the morning.  The big birthday morning.  I could go into more detail about the milk stains, hormonal sweat residue, farting infant, boxer-clad husband, and defiant toddler, but that might scare some of you.  I don't want to be responsible for scaring anyone out of having kids.  

Now this would be the logical turning point for this post.  Where I say something like, "This is fucking hard but SO worth it.  Kids are amazing.  Kids rock.  Kids are God's gift.  I am enjoying every moment, even the poopy, whiney, screamy, plugged milk ducty, first hemorrhoidy, and postpartum flabby ones."  But, I'm not going to use this as a segway because, DUH.  Of course all this is true.  (Well, most of it.)  Isn't it a given that I feel this way since I was the one who said, "Yes, impregnate me.  Yes, I'll do two childbirths with no drugs.  Yes, I'll quit my job and be a stay-at-home-mom.  Yes, I'll fall in love with two other boys besides my darling husband.  YES!"  Isn't it clear that I'm in a state of bliss?  After all, I said yes.

When we show our weaknesses to the world, friends reach out.  When we say, "This is hard; this kinda sucks; I'm struggling," kind souls sympathize.   Uplifting ones remind us how lucky we are.  Supportive ones relate.  But the BEST are the ones who say, "You are RIGHT!  This does suck!  These kids are a pain in my ass!" 

So right now, you will be the best.  You will let me say, "No! Oh HELL NO!  You cannot possibly be hungry AGAIN!"  You will let me say this, if for no other reason, because it's my birthday.  And on my birthday I want to be ALONE on a deserted tropical island sipping beverages with high alcohol content while laying in the sun listening to waves crash on the shore.  Take me out of this moment and teleport me into another!  Please!

It's nearing 6:00 p.m.  I've been awake for twelve hours but it feels like a thousand.  Junior is snoozing in his swing, and Senior is playing with his Papa.  A meal is en route, a birthday lunch with a friend is complete, texts and calls have been received.  I'm settling into 32.  I'm saying yes, I'm saying no, I'm shrugging my shoulders.  I'm loving and hating.  Laughing and crying.  Leaking, wiping, feeding, cuddling, singing, soothing.


I dedicate this post to the itty-bitty dose of caffeine in my decaf Americano, for without you, this masterpiece would not have been possible.


  1. Happy birthday and Hell to the Yes. You rock.

  2. Motherhood is so beautiful, sunshine and rainbows... only it's not. Thanks for keeping it real. Happy Birthday!!

  3. Keri, I love and miss you!