Happy Halloween!

Sleeping beans.

Sleep. My third true love. Life with a baby has been quite the adjustment for me, someone who needs at least 8 hours of sleep a night to feel at all functional during the day. I've slowly been adapting to less sleep and the late night hours. Calvin is pretty awesome for a 1 month old as he is waking once around 12:30 - 1 a.m. then again around 4-5 a.m. I do the middle of the night feeding and Angus gets up for the early morning feeding so that I can sleep (I love you, I love you, I love you). This is what I found this morning upon coming out of my little cave.

Spitting image.

I was playing around with Angus's D80 the other day and took a few pics of Calvin. I'm trying to get into some photography...slow, but sure. This picture was by far my favorite. There is a baby picture of me that looks just like this picture of him. It's so awesome looking at your child and seeing yourself, your partner, your parents, and grandparents. I'm not sure what I expected, but I think it's pretty cool that Calvin looks a little like me.

Favorite time, favorite face.

I love mornings with Calvin. He wakes up, and I sometimes put him in bed next to me to cuddle for awhile. He's absolutely the coziest, snuggliest little guy in the world.

Boobs. Boobs! Boooooooobs.

Time for the inevitable post about my boobs. I was waiting until they were good and fucked up until I wrote this post. Consider this your warning: I'm not holding back. Teenage boys, stop reading here. Boobs will be forever ruined for you if you continue.

OK, so people always told me that breastfeeding was hard, but OH MY GOD, IT IS HARD! Pre-nursing days, I had this vision of breastfeeding in my comfy brown easy chair, Boppy around my waist, in a cute nursing top, and sweetly bonding with my little baby. I guess it sort of started out that way what with my poo covered Boppy and milk stained nursing tops. If only I wasn't wincing in pain and shouting obscenities every time my little baby latched. But we were still bonding...um, yeah...

Let me back up...in the hospital, Calvin seemed to be a natural with breastfeeding. He latched right away and ate vigorously, and we received praise from our nurses and lactation consultants. After having a natural childbirth and apparently being a breastfeeding All-Star, I felt great and so proud and like I could conquer anything. Then IT happened. The invasion of Grand Canyon deep cracks and hot air balloon blisters. My beautiful life-giving boobies turned into repulsive pus-leaking blobs. And then there's the pain. Oh my. I'm pretty tough when it comes to pain, but this pain was way worse than anything I'd ever experienced. Worse than the miles and miles we had to run for field hockey. Worse than the all the times my sister pinched me and drew blood (I love you, Katy). Worse than...dare I say...natural childbirth. OK, maybe that's stretching it a bit. But it sucked. And every time Calvin sucked, I grew more and more frustrated with breastfeeding.

After two weeks of fighting through the pain, I reached out to seek a lactation consultant's help. Darcy came to the house, took one look at my nipples, and dropped dead on my bedroom floor. I think her response was, "You've been breastfeeding on THOSE?"

"Yes." Ouch.

Darcy was awesome. She watched Calvin nurse, and helped us come up with a plan of action. She also diagnosed Calvin with a long tongue. (It's OK to laugh. My baby has a long tongue. Watch out ladies.) She seemed to think that his tongue was causing the damage to my nipples. Sadly, my repulsive pus-leaking blobs were infected, so I started on an antibiotic and began to pump full-time while I healed.

So, here I am. Keri the cow. Pumping, pumping, pumping at least eight times per day. We've been feeding Calvin breastmilk from the bottle, and he's eating like a champ.

Are my nipples healing? By George, they aren't! The blasted pump has caused thrush, and now I'm starting another round of meds to take care of that.

Needless to say, this has been a real mess. I've been super stressed, but I'm trying to breathe through it and take it day by day. My original goal was to breastfeed for Calvin's first year of life, but I've revised that plan to three months. Go ahead and judge you Boulder hippies, you. I'm still hopeful that all this will clear and breastfeeding will end up being easy and enjoyable, but if not, that is OK too. I keep reminding myself of how blessed I am to have had such an awesome pregnancy and labor and now to have a beautiful baby who is getting fat and thriving even without the comfy easy chair, the Boppy, and a cute nursing top. And in moments like this, where I feel so lucky and in love, I bond with my baby and realize that this too shall pass.

I love you.

I love you so much Grandmom and Poppy!

One of my faves.

Love this photo of Calvin at bath time. He looks so peaceful and cozy.

My little fam.

First meetings.

Calvin got to meet his grandma and grandpa this week! He loves getting changed and rocked by them, and he's really been taking it all in by making eye contact. It's been so helpful to have my parents here for moral support and, of course, for cooking, cleaning, and running errands. Calvin already loves them so much.

A case of the Mondays.

Angus had to go back to work today, but thankfully he works from home. His plan is to finish up one last project he was working on and then take some vacation time. In honor of Angus's first Monday back to work with only having about 5 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period, Calvin wore his work clothes too. My boys have a case of the Mondays.

(My friend, Ali, made this cute little onesie.)

The small moments.

Although sleep deprived and a tad overwhelmed, Angus, Calvin, and I are so happy now that we're home together. Bonding with Calvin has been awesome. He amazes me every time I look at his little face.

Angus hangin' with the little man in the hospital

Little feet, lots of kisses

Falling in love all over again.

Calvin Lu-Chien Shee. Born September 27th at 8:43 p.m. 8 pounds, 5 ounces and 21 inches long. More to come...